Celebrity Big Brother 2011: welcome to the last chance saloon - Daily Mirror

Darren Lyons arriving for Celebrity Big Brother (Pic: PA)

Darren Lyons

Strutting around TVs house of horror with his grotesque gorilla-style fat six pack, pink-haired oldster Darryn Lyons declared: What you see is what you get.

Yes Darryn... and therein lies your problem. Youre 47 and your surgically-unimproved teenage mutant turtle look is beyond a joke.

Talking of jokes, world-famous Bobby Sabels in-depth analysis of Kerry Katonas so-called personality was terribly cruel. But was it a little too close for comfort?

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Shes a f***ing moron, snarled nonentity Bobby. Unkind. Uncalled for. Undeniably what Celebrity Big Brother is all about.

Welcome to the last chance saloon, where careers come to die. Where theres no PR machine to disguise the truth. Where we learn that not-so-bubbly Kerry is really rather dull.

Partly because you cant understand a single thing she says. Cocaine Kerry is almost as indecipherable as word-slurring duo Paddy Doherty and Tara Reid. Is English their second language? Whats the matter with them?

But theres nothing wrong with twintastic Jedward and their unique sense of style. Thats why self-consumed Darryn hates them. Whos going to notice his attention-seeking outfits when the strangely elegant Grimes brothers are stealing the sartorial show?

But arent the boys sweet and innocent? Like 19 year-old children. Or are they a couple of astute multi-millionaires who know exactly what theyre doing? You decide.

Nothing matters on planet Jedward, complained cleaning obsessed politico Sally Bercow... whose well-deserved eviction may not be enough to save her weird marriage to the Speaker.

Poor little John was in India while his wife shared intimate details of their sex life with a grateful nation. Too much information.

On to everyones favourite Essex girl... and if you thought Amy Childs was thick, dont bother to think again. You were right.

Amys challenge is to prove she has a brain, said Geordie narrator boy. A tall order.

Asked to name Johnny Depps character in Pirates Of The Caribbean, Amy replied: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. So close. Fail.

All that drama when one of Jedward (doesnt matter which) wedgied Ms Vajazzles bikini bottom? A fuss about nothing as Darryn exploded with faux-gallant rage. Oh shut up Aussie.Baywatch biddy Pamela The Hoff Bach seems to be annoying the rest of the crew. Not nearly enough. And ex-Corrie extra Lucien Nobody is a waste of space. Who the hell is he?

But the point is people are tuning into this born- again reality relic. Its pulling in 2.5m viewers at 10pm every night. Great news for Channel 5. Not so great for Channel 4.

One mystery though why do they keep letting the preposterous Pete Burns talk the whole thing down on Big Brothers Bit On The Side?

Tonights episode was really dull, droned Liverpools most ridiculous looking semi-human. And Im disappointed in the tasks.

Thanks for your input Mr Burns. Now do one...


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