Juicy Gossip: Return of the Checkout Oracle - pilot.com

Dear Checkout Oracle,

Where have you been for so long?

Ive had so many unanswered questions about Americas misbehaving celebrities! We need some juicy gossip and predictions to balance all the bad news being generated by the terrible economy and our elected boneheads in Congress.

Are you back to stay? Sure hope thats the case!

Yours truly,

Curious in Carthage.

Dear Curious,

Grocery store psychics are people, too. We get just as sick and tired of the real news as you do, and sometimes we need a break to recharge our batteries. (Amazing what a sunny beach and a blender of Harvey Wallbangers can do!)

The real problem is not all the bad news lately but the bewildering fact that the celebrities and public figures we count on to misbehave for our entertainment pleasure have been shockingly decent lately, not their normal selves at all.

Yes, Arnold Schwarzenagger tried to do his part by conducting a seedy affair with his housemaid, and the big Weiner flap was fun for a couple weeks. (My favorite headline: Weiners Out, Everyone.) But when Lady GaGas filet mignon bikini and The Donalds silly courtship of the Republican nomination count as the highlights of the year in celebrity hijinks, well, you dont have to be on the Council of Economic Advisers to realize were having a Great Recession in public scandal, too!

Its possible our celebrities are just as worried as you are about keeping their jobs. This may explain why Britney Spears is wearing underpants in public these days and even Charlie Sheen is suddenly making nice. Its troubling to see a celebrity psycho go straight, isnt it?

Dear Checkout Oracle,

Do you think former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is going to run for president? If not, why is she touring the country in a bus?

Thanks,

A Mama Grizzly from Whynot

Dear Mama Griz,

I have it straight from a confidential source who heard this directly from a woman who was buying breath mints at a gas station in Iowa moments after the Sarah Express gassed up that Gov. Palin has absolutely no interest in being president of the United States.

Shes after much bigger fish: She wants her very own cable network in order to go head-to-head with Oprahs OWN channel. Word on the street is that Sarah plans to call hers the MINE network, which is supposedly an acronym for Must Instill New Energy in America. Other wags have alternately suggested it stands for: My Incredible Nonstop Exploitation Network.

Time will tell, Griz. Look for Bristol to have her own breezy chat show for expectant teen moms, though.

Dear Checkout Oracle,

My husband, Wilbur, is hooked on reality TV shows, and frankly its ruining our married life. Wilbur works as a loan officer for a major national bank thats been cited for its predatory lending practices, so I guess he needs the diversion whenever hes home. But this is getting downright freaky.

Last week the hottest week of the summer, no less I found him dressed up like an Eskimo down in our basement (he calls it his manhole), with the AC cranked as low as it could go, glued to an episode of Ice Road Truckers.

A few days before that, after watching an episode of Pawn Stars, he cleaned out everything in our attic (including my Aunt Millies antique wedding chest, the one with her original hand-made lace foundation garments) and sold the entire thing to a pawnbroker on South Broad Street. A family heirloom!

Last night he announced that hes ditching banking to become a barber, insisting that a new reality show called Barbershop Confidential Snip, Shave and Dish is about to begin casting locally. What on earth am I supposed to do? Youll pardon the expression, but its completely unreal around here.

Desperately yours,

Wigged out in West End

Dear Wigged Out,

It does seem that everywhere you look, theres a new reality show (so many Kardashians, so little time!) though most seem about as pointless as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

The simple reality is that ordinary American life has become so stressful and unexciting that many Americans would happily trade their honorable day jobs for a chance to make complete nincompoops of themselves on TV. This is also the principle behind most game shows and presidential elections.

If its really bugging you, I suggest you call Billy the Exterminator and see if he might come and fumigate your house, including Wilburs manhole. If this doesnt work, I suggest you contact Dr. Drew to see if he might consider a live celebrity intervention.

On the other hand, you may well have stumbled into your own reality show, dear I Married a Troglodyte TV Addict and could soon afford to divorce Wilbur and move to Puerto Villarta, probably before he even notices. In reality, theres always an upside.

Dear Checkout Oracle,

Im so dismayed by all the terrible scandals in college sports these days the drugs, dirty money, flashy gifts, greedy agents, corrupt coaches, cheating scandals and now even ladies of the night down in Miami.

What is your take on all this? Isnt this the path to ruin? And what do you think will happen to Tiger Woods? Our kids adore sports, but Im not so sure anymore. Were thinking of moving to Greenland. Whats the message sports are sending to such impressionable minds?

Thanks. A Worried Sport in Aberdeen

Dear Worried Sport,

Youre probably right to be concerned. In the old days, after all, it was mostly our elected officials and MTV stars who behaved this way, admittedly a celebrity gossip gold mine. It is sad to see young athletes and their mentors stooping to such sordid activity.

On the other hand, vice is one of Miamis key cultural attractions, and all these scandals of late might serve the purpose of appointing live and intelligent people instead of stuffed donkey pinatas to the NCCA governing board.

As for Tiger Woods, I have it from an excellent anonymous source that he has actually purchased Greenland, where he is still considered a god by native Laplanders, so you may wish to pick a new country to escape to, somewhere where college football is considered a religion and reruns of Hee Haw are popular.

South Carolina comes to mind.

Jim Dodson, Sunday essayist for The Pilot and editor of PineStraw and O.Henry magazines, can be reached at jim@the-pilot.com.